Let’s assist others in taking decisions - let’s not take decisions for others and give advice!

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 My friend Krishna got his daughter Sumathi married to Shankar who is living in Australia three and a half years ago. They have a two year old baby girl now. Sumathi was having some issues with her in-laws and they were harassing her a little violently also, I believe. Shankar took his parents' side and told Sumathi to listen to whatever his parents were saying. Krishna suggested his daughter to get separated from her husband as he is also supporting his parents in this matter. But, Sumathi was worried about this separation as this might affect her daughter’s future and wanted to find a smooth solution for this issue.


Seeing his daughter suffering, as a father, Krishna could not tolerate and advised her to go for separation and now they are separated. But, Sumathi feels they could have been a little patient and found a better solution for that.


I am just wondering whether what Krishna did was correct or not? I think he should have discussed with his daughter about all the possible solutions citing their pros and cons and allowed Sumathi to take the final decision. What do you think? Let me give you some sources for my thought:


  • My fellow professor, a very senior person, who is traveling with us in our college vehicle used to be very calm and quiet. He will not give any comments or suggestions when we, the others are discussing any topic. But, if we ask him for his opinion, he will give some wonderful points from his experience! He had a policy that he will not interfere in any others’ matters and not give any advice or opinion unless or otherwise we ask him for his guidance, even if he knew that we were still struggling with that problem. I admire his attitude, he will neither poke his nose in others’ business nor voluntarily give suggestions and also he will not give any lengthy advice!


  • Few months ago, my daughter Niranjana got job offers from two different organisations: one is a well established, 23 year old community centric organisation and the other is a few year old startup which is also working on providing community centered solutions. She had to make a decision to join any one of the two and both were equally good but in different aspects.


I suggested that she could ask her would-be husband Devesh about which organisation she should choose as he is also in the same field, working for a social work organisation. Evening when I asked her which organisation he recommended, she said they discussed the opportunities and the nature of the work etc and now it was only she who should decide, of course, based on their discussion and her passion. Finally, she chose one and joined. 


My learning is that everyone, irrespective of age, gender or position, wants to take the decision on their own in any situation they are involved in. If any of my dear ones  approach me for my guidance, I can have a quality discussion and  only facilitate their decision- making.  Rather than me taking the decision on their behalf and advising them to follow that, I can help them to explore and find a solution which is naturally acceptable for them.


Am I making sense here, what do you think? Do you appreciate the lesson I learnt ? What about you !

Comments

  1. Lalitha RamachandranApril 3, 2024 at 8:22 AM

    It's undeniably true "In name of advice... we tend to impose our own perspectives onto others".Quite thought - provoking one, mam.

    ReplyDelete
  2. P. Sukania NandakumarApril 3, 2024 at 8:41 AM

    Mam super topic and well explained with example from ur own experience.
    Every one has right to take their decision. As you have explained we can only facilitate them to think broad. We should not influence them with our ideas.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kiruba Kumari RamasamyApril 3, 2024 at 9:14 AM

    Every human has their own choice to take decision...if it is right or wrong...Can have suggestions...but deciding authority is that particular individuals

    ReplyDelete
  4. MeenaApril 3, 2024 at 4:39 PM

    Yes it true madam, we can facilitate the discussion and offer support but should not impose decisions. Finally it is their own preference. Well said

    ReplyDelete
  5. Venkatesan GovindarajanApril 4, 2024 at 10:02 PM

    You are 100% correct Madhu. Thrusting our decisions on others is not good. Instead we may go in for a free discussion and help them to arrive at a conclusion.
    Decision making is a crucial thing in our life. What we are today is the result of the decisions we took in the past.
    But the decisions are to be taken after collecting all the facts about that particular situation. But unfortunately many times we take decisions based on our opinions or on other's opinions. Opinions differ from facts.
    Also many times decisions are taken under the influence of ego, hatred, anger etc. etc..
    And while collecting of facts, if necessary we should not hesitate to take the suggestions of experts/experienced people in the field.
    It is a great thing that we should train our children to take decisions after collecting all possible facts.
    Really your beautiful post is an eye opener to many of us.

    ReplyDelete
  6. NaraneSundaramApril 10, 2024 at 12:51 PM

    Nice one! we have a concept RELATIONAL CALCULUS in DBMS in that "It Tells What To Do But Not how to Do IT!" like that we should just suggest

    ReplyDelete

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